maybe everything *isn't* hopeless bullshit

content warning: discussion of whether everything is or isn't hopeless bullshit; the word "suicide" comes up briefly; it's all actually pretty hopeful; maybe that's a bummer depending on your depressedness

I've had a great week or so, precipitated by a very good weekend, and I'm starting to feel a different way about one of my usual thought experiments. The experiment is, "if you could have never existed, would you?" (Note that this is very different from "do you want to die", because dying once you're alive really sucks, while never having existed isn't good or bad, it's just nothing.)

In fact, we can imagine a ladder of feelings:

4. I'm glad I'm alive.

3. I don't want to die, but I'd rather never have existed.

2. I don't want to die, but I don't want that badly not to die, like if I got randomly hit by a meteor that's ok.
1. I want to die but not badly enough to take action on it.

0. Actually suicidal-with-a-plan.

Luckily I've never been at level 0 and rarely am at 1 for more than a few seconds (and even then my mind still overpowers it), but I usually hover around level 3, and when I have dipped into level 2 I've started seeking more help (therapy and antidepressants, luckily not something destructive like bad drugs or embarrassing memes with fake beards). But lately I've been kinda testing the waters of level 4. Like, maybe being alive is... good, actually?

(Some of you probably reacted to that last sentence with "duh" and some of you are probably like "wtf no way dude"; I acknowledge and honor all these feelings.)

For me this started with a physical feeling. I can't logic it out, but at one point I felt good enough to think "oh yeah life right now feels good, and what if I accept that as truth?" It had some of the noetic quality around it, like it just seemed inherently true. So... what if I just accept that truth, that life is ok?

I see two possible objections:
1. You gonna trust something just because it seemed true once?
Well, it seems less scary than some noetic knowledge, like "quit your job and become a monk" or something. "Life is good" seems like pretty harmless noetic knowledge.

2. It's hard to sustain.
Yeah, since then I've had some moments where I'm again like "eh heck with it all, that was just nonsense." How do you argue "well last week I thought it was good" with "but it feels so bad now"? "It feels bad now" tends to win. I guess, insisting "I want to feel good again" is the kind of clinging that won't get me anywhere; so maybe in those cases, I just sit and watch the feelings, and then regroup after they've passed and see where I'm at then. At least for the past week or so, it ends up back at "yeah life is ok still."
(I've got some thoughts too about how I'm managing mood more generally, but they're too premature to post still.)

We'll see, man. This stuff comes and goes and this may be another swing of the pendulum, but we can hope that there's a positive effect in addition to the cyclical one.

some cool things

I used to post stuff like this and maybe I should again! Honestly, it feels like mostly clearing my brain - stuff that was in a tab somewhere, now I've voiced my thought about it and I can move on. Anyway, here is more of it:

List of fractals by Hausdorff dimension - if you know your Sierpinski Triangle and your Cantor Set but you want more cool mathy objects, they're all here, and there's a dimension for "how noisy it is." I know nothing about any of this but can only gawk at it, Keanu-like. Whoa. Shout out to:- the Mandelbulb and its Annihilation connection
- the coast of Ireland
- cauliflower

Garbage Language (or, corporatespeak) post in 2020. Yeah. "It is obvious that the point is concealment; it is less obvious what so many of us are trying to hide." I think a lot of these terms are because of fear or self-delusion. I'm afraid to ask you "can you do two things at once?" so I'll ask "can you parallel-path these"?

This post about conjugal love struck me as more than the usual "love is patient, love is kind" wedding speech. "Is it paradoxical that conjugal love requires lifelong commitment without contingency plans, yet at the same time is contingent in a way that parental love is not? No, there is no paradox. If you believe something is permanent, you can make lifelong promises and commitments contingent upon it, because you believe the thing will never fail you." Like, you have to believe this thing is permanent, even while you know it's conditional. I have had both reactions: "yeah of course" and "that's impossible."
I also think "Both partners must have matured enough that their core values are stable." is a pretty important sentence here.
(also from the same guy: Philosophy through science fiction; I want to read this.)

Insightful post about gifted education in the middle of a Best-of-tumblr. (usually these threads are silly. ok here's your best-of-tumblr-thread silly post. it's a good one too.) (while we're playing dumb language games, this skit was the highlight of the (uh, 2) SF Sketchfest shows I saw.)

Actual maps of medieval kingdoms. Lol; Game of Thrones seems super orderly and unified by comparison.

"jubilee barrier sings Song 2" - this is so dumb and I love it, it's like "smells like teen shovel"