Big Ideas

with capital letters. That's what my mind's been on recently. The "what is it all about" sort of thing. Let me explain the last couple of weeks. Actually, I'll back up to the summer. I started reading a couple of interesting books- The Book and the Tao of Pooh. I've probably raved to you about them both. Talking to various friends; Beej, Ram, Julie, and others that I think are interested in the same ideas. I've also been reading some more entertaining but still philosophical stuff like Tom Robbins and The Razor's Edge by W. Somerset Maugham. Most recently, it's been a book called "Voluntary simplicity" from Gerrit.

The point is, I don't know a darn thing about things in general, much less big "why are we all here" sort of things. I'm trying to list how I started asking questions. I don't know if it's anything about this year, this summer, maybe it was last spring, or what, but my old world view wasn't cutting it.

It wasn't a terrible world view: I was comfortable with myself, mostly comfortable with others, and comfortable with the path my life would be taking. It was pretty Western/masculine/worldly/individual/Yang, though. (if there's one thing I know, it's that there's a grand duality in the universe, and just about everything has two sides, and the middle is usually the best way to go. That seems to be a sort of universal truth, at least on some level, and it makes a hell of a lot of sense.) It was a fine world view, but "nothing to excess", as the ancient Greeks through Fr. Ober taught me in freshman World History in high school. And the whole thing started getting to me, the one-sidedness of my existence. Even the idea of Love as the ultimate good, which was fine for me for a bunch of years. For some reason, I generally decided, over time, there must be something more.

This all sounds like I embarked on a Grand Spiritual Adventure. I haven't really changed my life at all. Besides enrolling in a Zen Meditation StuCo. But the point isn't whether I say "I'm embarking on a Grand Spiritual Adventure", because saying that I'm doing something big is just a label. A label that lets me say "Look at me, I'm improving myself! I'm attempting to make myself better than anyone else, because now I'm spiritually cool too!" Which may be what I'm doing on a subconscious level, but consciously, I'm trying to avoid that. If I start to sound pretentious about anything spiritual, don't even listen to me, because I'm entirely missing the point.

Anyway, so what is this Eastern view? I don't know yet. To say "I am reading about Eastern religion" is like saying "I went to a restaurant in America." There are so many different kinds. But I think they all have a few universal truths, or maybe even one universal truth:
The way to be is to lose yourself entirely and become one with everything.
That's the quickest way I can summarize what I think I know about it. This oneness with everything shows up a lot: as nirvana (Hindu, right? Buddhist too? Shows what I know...), the Tao, enlightenment. Even as heaven in Christianity, although the Western conception of heaven seems nothing like the Eastern. For Christians, it always comes across as this place in the sky where you go when you die, if you've been good. But really, it's the same thing, just worded differently.

Okay. So there's some background. Last last Sunday I had quite an experience, which I'll leave appropriately vague. Hi potential employers, hi Mom and Dad! Nah, my mom and dad are probably cool. The point is not the details of the experience, because it doesn't change you. It just stirs up emotions and thoughts, like dredging up the bottom of a pond. (thanks, Ram, for the analogy)

I had expected this to leave me on an all-time moment of clarity, where I would realize more and more that all is one and one is all. I thought I would realize how little of an individual I am, and how it's meaningless to even refer to myself as an individual, or even as myself.

Well, one thing was right: it gave me a sort of moment of clarity. I stood on the roof of the Slanty Shanty, and I wanted to breathe in the entire world. Everything was so vivid! And here's the thing: I felt so optimistic about my future. I saw a couple of the high points of my life laid out before me (Colorado, December 2004; NYC, August 2006; the Alps, January 2007) I went back inside and sat down, and felt so thankful to everyone and everything. Thank you, by the way; if you're reading this, I probably know you, and I want to thank you. I had a pen and paper, and I wrote something along the lines of "if I get nothing else out of this, it'll be sincerity." I felt like a child again; it was euphoric. It's like when you realize you couldn't have made it without someone, and you just break down and cry in gratitude, but that person loves you so much, they were just happy to help. Except it was directed towards everyone.

Okay, so I also helped make a fort out of Aaron's bed (Aaron was puzzled to see how his bed turned out), listened to electricity (it sounds like little mice!), and had a stare-down with a Kurt Cobain poster. But the point is, it was a tremendous experience.

But how so? It was tremendous in a Western sense. Wow, I felt great, and life seemed like one ever-growing pyramid of fun! But I felt individual. I felt like Mufasa AND Simba, standing there and saying to myself "Everything the light touches is our kingdom", where "our" was a use of the royal "we". I'm the king of the world! ...thanks to all of you who helped me get here.

This was frustrating. My life doesn't need more Western materialistic greatness. (Don't get me wrong, it does need some. I'm not saying there's no place for a Western point of view. But it should be half of your view, not all of it.)

The next day, I felt so lethargic, I'm lucky I didn't turn into a big plastic bag of Frosty. Not just lethargic, though; will-less. I didn't want to do anything or see anyone. It was a terrible feeling, and I don't know if it was due to the previous day, the previous year, or just a random bad day. Everyone irritated me, and everything bored me. I still don't know why it was, only that it's been turning up a couple times in the last couple of weeks. It doesn't make any sense; it's not like all my friends graduated (some of them did, but most of them are still around, anyway) or my job/major seemed pointless (now I have some direction for the first time in my college career).

So there have been ups and downs. Maybe I'll add more details later, or more thoughts on things, but to avoid having 3 straight 6-hour sleeps, (and it's only week 3!) I'm going to bed. Good night!

Burrito controversy!

My Chipotle review

Burrito snobs

Hey, they linked to my article! And failed to miss the point that I'm reporting on a FAST FOOD RESTAURANT! Rock on, guys, you sure know the most about burritos! Hey, here's another article you should write: Harry Potter is not as good as Faulkner, and therefore England is a literary wasteland.

There it is: I'm gaining notoriety in the blog circuit.

Real post is still to come... whenever I get a free couple hours.

Post coming soon

It's been quite the weekend. I'm still trying to fit it all into my head, and figure out how best to put it on paper.
It sort of made me ask myself, Where does that highway go to?
And then I asked myself, Am I right? Am I wrong?
And then I asked myself, My god!...what have I done?

Okay, so that turned into quoting "Once in a Lifetime," which continues to surprise me with how good it is. The whole CD, "Remain in Light," is fantastic! Wow! Been a while since I found a CD to gush about. Well, besides Belle and Sebastian's "Dear Catastrophe Waitress" and the Boards of Canada's "In a Beautiful Place Out in the Country", but you already knew that about the first one and the second one is just an EP.

But next time, less rock, more talk! Stay tuned, faithful readers!

Wish it was free and all mine

How to become an ordained pastor

You may have heard about AOL's leak of a whole bunch of search records. Some dudes searched through it all and found the best searches. Credit Grubb for finding this.

When we all become robots, this is how we'll talk

I was just thinking about conversation today, because I noticed that the professor who I'm TAing for had a unicycle in his office. I wanted to ask if he rode a unicycle, what kind of experience he has, if he juggles (because the two are often related), etc. But how do you start that conversation? And then what?

On a note that seems unrelated but is actually related: a rules engine is a cool thing. Sometimes they're also called Expert Systems. Maybe there's a distinction between those. I don't know. Anyway, here's how it works: you have some facts, and you have some if-then rules. Each rule triggers when certain facts exist.
For example, I could have the following rules:
1. If I have a dollar, I should buy a can of Arizona iced tea from Entropy.
2. If it's cold, and if I have a hat, I should put the hat on.
3. If I have a drink, and if I'm thirsty, I should drink it.
And I have the following facts:
- I have a dollar.
- I'm thirsty.
- It's cold.
- I don't have a hat.
Then rule 1 will trigger because I have a dollar. Rule 3 will then trigger because then I have a drink and I'm thirsty. Rule 2 will not trigger because all of its conditions weren't met.
That's what I know about rules engines, in a nutshell. Anyway, they're cool. Supposedly, this is how the human mind works, according to ACT-R theory. That was the basis for the "cognitive tutors" that I sort of worked on all summer.

Back to conversations:
I want to start this conversation. So I just want to throw out there this fact: You have a unicycle in your office. He would probably have a rule in his mind that says "If someone mentions the unicycle, say that I belong to a unicycling club." Then I'd have a rule that says: "If someone tells me that he belongs to a unicycling club, do the following: ask how long he's been doing it, and ask if he knows how to juggle too." Etc.

What happened instead? I said "Do you ride a unicycle?" The other two people we were with sort of giggled as if it were a stupid question, because why the hell else would he have a unicycle in his office? The conversation derailed from there.

Point is, rules engines are pretty neat. And if that's how the mind works, that's simple, elegant, powerful, and therefore beautiful.

Last Will and Testament

Oh, for crying out loud, don't get all in a fit. I'm not going anywhere. But I was talking with Gerrit and Anu earlier about being ready for death at any time, and while I would be fine, because I'd be dead, it would throw things a little out of whack for the rest of you. Also, it's been a while since I really thought about anything introspective at all. So I've prepared this document.

First of all, my possessions and money. This is first, not because it's important, but because it's easy. I give them all to my family (Mom and Dad and Cheryl). They can do with them whatever they want. Maybe donate my clothes to charity, sell some stuff, etc. Whatever. It's just things. Hopefully the money will be helpful too.

(as for my computer, my data is probably just gone. Good luck guessing my passwords. I use two main passwords, and they're both nonsense. The one that is less secure is this: it starts with a spanish word related to a poem about raining coffee (ask Elda Borroni, my spanish teacher), and it ends with a number that used to be the combination to my dad's bike lock. It's on the fridge at home, but crossed out. The more secure password... good luck. Hire a professional, I guess.)

Second of all, my body. Hey, guess what? I'm not in there anymore! So if my organs are still any good, and someone needs them, for God's sake, give them to them! Whatever's left, I donate it to science. If neither science nor needy people can use my body, bury it in the ground, NOT in a big ol' casket. Let me decompose and give my nutrients back to the soil. Or whatever's the least environmentally harmful. (I guess, if the laws don't let you do that, cremate me and scatter my ashes on a ski slope.)

As for my "soul", or whatever is left of me: I'm doing fine. I probably have ceased to exist, and therefore am not in any pain in any way. Maybe I'm in some sort of other world, in which case I'm probably better off. If you want to have a funeral, go for it, but don't make it a traditional Christian funeral with all the weeping and sobbing and Bible verses and hymns. That just bores everyone. If you want to have a funeral, get together a bunch of my family and friends, and just have a party. Talk about me if you want, but don't feel obligated to. If you want to be sad, be sad for yourselves, because you don't have fun ol' me around anymore! Of course, that's what you do at funerals anyway.

Anyway, I'm all right. I have only a few regrets:
1. I never "made a difference" in any huge way (everyone has this regret. it's lame. sorry.)
2. I gave a speech once in front of my high school. It was pretty trite and meaningless.
3. I never fell in love. (I thought I did a couple times but I was just a dumb kid.) I hear it's great fun!

But if you stack those three up against things that I'm proud of, or glad about, you'll see why I'm doing all right. I wouldn't say my life has been complete, but I think I've done an all right job with it so far. And it has been a good time!

Hmm. As for final regards, let me just say I love my family and friends very much. If I knew I were going to die, I'd call each of you on the phone or see you in person. But I'm not going to put my last thoughts to each of you in a blog here- that's personal!

Finally, although it may be in bad taste to quote a heartless mass murderer, I'll finish up with a quote:
"Death solves all problems. No man, no problems." - Josef Stalin

---

Again, if you find this morbid, I apologize, but death shouldn't be gloomy. That's an artifact of our Western society. Death is really just another part of the grand scheme of things. If you find this post self-indulgent, of course it is. It's my BLOG.

And here's this: my easiest schedule yet

Right...
Whatever. Networks will be no fun, but that is the last class that I will have to dread. Artificial Neural Networks sounds cool (doesn't it?) and Cognitive Psych and that "Experimental Design..." class are easy cog sci prerequisites (by the way, if I haven't talked to you about it recently, I'm now a Computer Science/Cognitive Science double major. Neat, eh?). Oh yeah, and I'm a TA for 21-127F. Looks to be exciting. Rock on!

This is my beginning-of-year I'm Excited post; also, conversations.

You know what's hard sometimes? Just keeping a conversation going. A lot of times, I don't know what to talk about. Especially if I'm talking to someone that I haven't spent a lot of time with recently.

This might be me overanalyzing things again, but if you look at conversation topics, seems like there are only a few kinds:
- things in the common history between you and me
- things about you (how are you? what have you been doing recently? what do you think about this?)
- things about me (I did this recently. Here's what I think about this.)
- incidental things (hey look, there's a funny sign on the side of the road. ha ha.)

Seems like there's only so much you can do in a conversation. Run through these four categories, and then what? But if I look at the most socially adept people, the people I strive to be like in social situations, they never have problems. They never just stand there dumbly until someone else says something.

You can just run the "things about you" forever- just keep latching on to things the other person says and asking questions about that. This can be fun sometimes. Sometimes, though, the other person just doesn't give you enough to work with. It's like trying to improv in a scene where the other person just accepts. (and nobody raises the goddamn stakes, for those of you who love that dumb phrase)

Oh well- there's no easy solution, right? And it's probably one of those problems that's only a problem the more you think about it. So I'll ignore it until it comes up again.

Hey, by the way, I just saw the Crucible (by Quantum Theatre) and it was pretty sweet! And, as the title of this post says, I'm excited about this year! Two years ago, I was excited, but scared, to start college. Now I'm all jazzed up about all the rest of the things, besides college: TA'ing, studying abroad, jobs next year, what I'll do senior year, and the future! The difference is that now I'm not as apprehensive about it-- all this stuff I'm setting out to do, I know I'll be able to do it. If only all of life were so easy!

I wrote a guidebook! Here it is:

NEW YORK CITY on a few dollars a day, not counting your parents' money

New York City is a big city, and a beautiful city, and it's full of wonders, and oh grandiose introduction introduction introduction introduction.

Suffice it to say that New York City* is, surprisingly, a very reasonable city. I would love to tell you about how you will get mugged, or how I saw rats the size of SmartCars, or how trash and grime covered the street, because then your morbid interest would be aroused, and I wouldn't have to write as well to hold your attention. However, NYC is very reasonable.

*When I say "New York City" (or "NYC") here, and in the rest of the guide, I really mean Manhattan. That must drive those of you from the other four boroughs crazy.

I felt very safe pretty much everywhere I went. This may be because I'm naive. Or it may be the courteous criminals, who restrict their most violent activity to the south Bronx and other areas ironically far from tourists' stuffed wallets. Also, things do not cost so much as you might have heard. It's not twice as expensive as everywhere else; only about 1.4 times. This is the first in the series of New York Being 70% of What It's Cracked Up To Be. And in many areas, things are very cheap. See: Chinatown produce stands; also, knockoff designer handbags.

But guidebooks do not sell by writing nice paragraphs. So without further ado:

Neighborhoods and Sights
Starting from the tip and working your way up.

1. Financial District
This is where a lot of tall buildings are. Except no more World Trade Center. You can, of course, see Ground Zero: it looks like a big construction site. I guess if you go to the nearby museum, it becomes more touching and vaguely frightening. I am not going to get political here. Anyway, you can get on a Boat, and see the Statue of Liberty, but really, this is boring. Take note: you may find some of the best shady sidewalk vendors here; I actually saw the fabled "Rolex watch suitcase." Also the designer sunglasses suitcase, from which I should have bought something. Like a leprechaun guarding his pot of eye-protecting gold, he was gone when I returned.

2. TriBeCa
I think there are a lot of great restaurants here. However, they are all new, trendy, and expensive, so we did not go to any.

3. SoHo
This is a neat area of shops and restaurants. I think it used to be really hip. As an aspiring hipster, one must always keep track of these things.

4. Chinatown and Little Italy
Chinatown is crowded and cheap, just like China. Little Italy is very nice, all red and green, full of Italian restaurants, and slowly being overtaken by Chinatown, just like Italy. So it goes. You can get cheap produce here. You can also get fish. Finally, you can get designer knockoff handbags. Just ask someone in a shop, and he will pull aside the secret door and act uneasy as you peruse the illegal purses. Later, if you are my mom and sister, you may see the same purse in Bloomingdale's for $1350. How cool is it that the bit about the secret door is not a joke?

5. Greenwich Village
Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner for Best Neighborhood. This place is cool. I present as evidence: the fact that some writers used to live there. It looks vaguely European. Check out Chumley's, a former speakeasy with no sign where apparently a lot of famous writers worked. It has no sign. You just go in the door at 86 some street, go through the heavy curtain, and there's a shabby looking bar. How cool. There is also a British shop where you can get chips and drinks (or at least Marmite and Shreddies), a bakery with a pastry case that is photo-worthy, and a store of spices and herbs. You can see the 9.5-foot-wide house where Edna St. Vincent Millay lived, but that is boring.

6. East Village
This is the sort of place that an aspiring hipster can tell by walking through: this is the new hip place. It's poorer but getting richer, sort of ethnic, and has some shady looking record stores.

7. Lower Midtown, including Chelsea
Wait, I mean this place is the new hip place. It has Union Square, home to the largest farmer's market I've ever seen. Also the Chelsea Market, which is SO DAMN COOL! Go there! Go see it! It's really damn cool!

8. Upper Midtown, excluding the Theater District
Well, this is New York. Lots of tall buildings, and Things you can See, Especially if You Are a Tourist, such as the Rockefeller Center which includes the NBC Studio, which you can tour if you'd like to pay $20 and listen to a tour. Also the Empire State Building, etc. But bite the "I'm a tourist" bullet and go ahead and go up in at least one tall building. Go at night when it's all lit up. Have a religious experience. I did.

9. The Theater District
Hey! Times Square! Julie is incorrect; this place is not awful. This place is a monument. This is man's response to the Grand Canyon: Look, Mother Nature! I can create something that will be awe-inspiring but in a totally different way! Yeah, it's crass and commercial. Yeah, okay, there's an MTV store, there's a tourist double-decker bus, there's a scrolling display so we can display more ads in the same place. But you know you love our society that can make wanton consumerism so glamorous.

Oh, and there are shows here too! See some of them! First, go to the TKTS booth in the South Street Seaport (lower Manhattan) in the early afternoon (skip the Times Square TKTS booth; it's crowded) and get half price tickets. Then, I recommend Spamalot, because you already know you'll love it. I also recommend Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, which I think I enjoyed not just in the campy "this is a musical so you're going to pretend you enjoy it" sense. Although maybe it was the "this is a show that my dad and I can both watch and we both enjoy and it leaves us feeling good about a night at the Broadway show." Either way, it's enjoyable. As far as shows go, the Blue Man Group is pretty good too. However, some of the jokes fell a little flat (come on, making fun of chat room acronyms? That is so five minutes ago dot org.), so I'll lump it in with the other bits of "New York being 70% of what it's cracked up to be." That said, some of their stuff is genius, and their sense of comic timing is not bad.

10. Upper Midtown West
This is a nice area of shops and restaurants. Check out Zabar's sweet grocery store, not only because it's the only grocery store I've seen with an item topping $1000 (a large quantity of caviar), but also because it's just awesome. That's all.

11. Upper Midtown East
I think you can shop here if you're rich. If not, you can go to museums. Like the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which is huge. Go with a guide; a mother who knows a lot about impressionist art will do nicely. If you do, you may find yourself with an appreciation for things you didn't know you had an appreciation for. Like impressionist art. Really, it's pretty cool. Same goes for the Museum of Modern Art, which is not in the Upper Midtown East, but is in the middle of Midtown by the Rockefeller Center.

12. Central Park
There is a lot to say about Central Park. Instead of me saying it all, you should rent bicycles and ride around it. It takes about 30 minutes at a leisurely pace. I'm still sort of in awe that such a great park exists in such a great city. That's all.

13. Harlem, Morningside Heights, all points north, and the other four boroughs
Ignore these; you won't have time. Plus, Harlem's dangerous, Queens and Brooklyn are boring, the Bronx has the Yankees, and wasn't there one more borough? I forget. I hope Rob reads this. Anyway, everything I just said (besides "I hope Rob reads this") is sarcastic. Get the hell out of Tourist-Mecca Manhattan and see the rest of the city! Be a better city-seer than I!

Places to Stay
How about the Murray Hill Suites? It's in the middle of everything (39th street and 3rd avenue), has room to comfortably sleep a family of 4, and is at least somewhat reasonably priced, although I have no idea because I wasn't paying.

Places to Eat
The Pig and Whistle- a great place to go when you've just gotten in to New York, you're wandering around Times Square, and you're looking for something that the whole family can enjoy. Good old Irish pub.

A Food Cart- served up a half-decent shish kebab. Only half decent though. I expected more from the fabled New York food carts.

A Little Italy Restaurant Whose Name I Didn't Even Try To Remember- The gnocchi was not half bad. It wasn't outstanding though.

Sardi's- The guidebook will tell you to go here after seeing a show because the Broadway stars like to come here. Look on the back of the title page of your guidebook; you'll see that it's dated 1972.

Mister Softee Ice Cream Truck- good call! An ice cream truck that actually serves ice cream cones. Soft serve is the same everywhere in the world, and it's unnatural, and it comes in a big plastic bag... but man, I still love it.

Katz's Deli- Your guidebook will probably also tell you to go here. You can see a historic New York deli where the immigrants used to eat (although they probably didn't pay $13 for a sandwich!). You can see the spot in Where Harry Met Sally where Meg Ryan famously faked an orgasm. You can see the sign that says "This is where Harry met Sally. No, you can't order what she had." Your confused mother who has not heard of this scene can ask the waitress what she had. Your father can tell her he'll explain it later. Your mother can keep asking. They can beat around the bush a little bit until your mother gets the picture. Your parents can then smile knowingly, because their 17- and 20-year-old kids clearly have no idea; of course, the "o" word is never said because you don't want to corrupt the kids. They don't know what an orgasm is yet. This can be an awkward scene for all.

Balthazar- Okay, here we go. This is a New York restaurant like you expect New York restaurants. A little french cafe. I recommend the Salad Nicoise, which I guess is a pretty common thing in France, but I had never had it. It comes with seared rare tuna, which is neat. Also anchovies, artichokes, olives, a hard-boiled egg, green beans, tomatoes, onions, and tasty greens, all in an olive oil and I think balsamic vinegar dressing. This is probably the finest meal I had in New York. Rock on.

Tavern on the Green- It's a little indulgent to eat dinner here after having lunch at Balthazar. See the title of this guidebook. This place has in fame and ambience what it lacks in food. Don't get me wrong, loyal reader; the duck confit with mushroom risotto was good, despite your humble author not knowing what the hell "confit" means. But it wasn't what you expect for the price. Nor was the Filet Mignon, which your author's parents ordered, but perhaps that's a function of said parents ordering it cooked medium. The more you learn about food, the more you know you should order things cooked less than you think. At any rate, don't count me as ungrateful for giving a less-than-glowing review to such a nice place; if I as the author were just to rave about every expensive restaurant, well, I wouldn't be a very good guide, would I? But enough about shortcomings of the food; this place has lanterns strung about all the trees. All the way up the trees! It's neat!

Kangsuh- I like Korean food! Between the appetizers (which I've seen at a couple of Korean places, and which always seem to be free) and the multi-part meal special, they give you a taste of about nine different things. That, I think, is one of the best things a restaurant can do.

Junior's- I think that's what this place is called. It's unmemorable, at any rate. Its strengths are threefold: its location in the theater district, the menu which is so large that nobody can find it objectionable (although it is all boring american food), and its overly high prices. Perhaps you might think two of those are weaknesses. Perhaps you are right.

Hatsuhana- Here's a hint. If the rest of your party is going on the NBC studio tour, duck out and spend your $20-plus at this sushi restaurant instead. It doesn't matter if you're wearing a T-shirt that says "Hyland Software 5000"; even though every single other person is wearing a business suit, they will seat you as if they don't notice. Also, go there on what happens to be "restaurant week," and you can get a first-rate sushi lunch for $24.07. It includes: cold pumpkin soup and a seaweed salad, tuna with some kind of spicy mayonnaise, yellowtail sashimi, green beans in a ginger sauce, your choice of one sushi roll, and the following nigiri sushi (pieces of fish on rice): tuna, salmon with wasabi mayonnaise, rock salted snapper, and yellowtail with jalapeno. You can sit at the sushi bar and watch your meal being prepared; that's a feature of every sushi bar, but it is still cool. You can look at the dish marked "Turkey / Brazil" and wonder what the heck is in it. You can pour soy sauce out of a thing that looks like a little teapot. This is a neat experience. Then you can join your party and tell them how great your meal was while they tell you how mediocre the NBC studio tour was.

Europa Cafe- Apparently this is a chain in New York. Well, if you're getting fast food, I'd go for their sandwiches and salads over a McDonald's any day. Surprisingly, there are McDonaldses in New York, but there are almost no other fast food chains. Chalk another one up for New York being a very reasonable city.

Lombardi's- So this is the famous New York thin crust pizza? It's not bad, but it's nothing special. 70% of what it's cracked up to be.

Rice to Riches- Maybe the first exclusively rice pudding store in the country. It's a great concept- they sell it like ice cream. However, they charge like it's Coldstone; except it's more expensive than Coldstone. Still, points for concept, and also for design: it looks neat.

Transportation
The best way: walking. Walk until your calves hurt because, unbeknownst to you, bad circulation runs in the family. Then collapse.
The second best way: get a Metrocard unlimited pass and ride the subway everywhere. It works, and it's quick, although it is hot and a little smelly. However, every city should have a subway; New York's is just further proof.
The third best way: take buses. This works if your family doesn't want to go into the subway because it's hot and smelly. It's also easy because most of Manhattan is in a nice grid shape. Yeah, that's unnatural, but by god, it works.

This is the end
New York is a very reasonable city, and if you put your expectations at 70% of what they are, it will most often exceed your expectations by 42.8%.

Hi!

Man, New York City was neat. I'm at Dartmouth now, which sure is neat too. I'll be home to Cleveland tomorrow, and then back in the 'burgh hopefully on Saturday. A more detailed description/post to come!

And... done!

Again, I find that one of the best parts of life is stopping anything. Well, I'm done with my job. Now, on to fun things forever! Isn't life smashing!

I haven't posted anything here in a while

And in not doing so, I've left unfulfilled my half of the writer/reader bargain (I write things, you read them). However, I never promised to fulfill said bargain, nor am I being in any way compensated, so I don't feel bad. Also, get used to it, because the aforementioned list of things that will be happening are, um, happening. (Except Kuyahoga.) And if a blog becomes a responsibility rather than a fun thing, then it's no fun anymore.

I do feel bad about being at work and doing nothing useful. This week is a little weird because everyone is teaching the "PSLC summer school" where a bunch of users come in and we teach them how to use our software. I pretty much finished my job. So, well, I'm not so useful right now.

However, I am right now being the reason that the world is so difficult. Inefficiency. I'm somehow funded by the NSF, so your tax dollars are going to me. If every schmuck like me were fired, your taxes would probably be very reasonable, and nobody would complain. Or maybe I'm funded by CMU, in which case, if every slacker at CMU were fired, your tuition would be reasonable. The point is, little inefficiencies like me are the reason that The System sucks sometimes. Sorry! I'll be gone in under a week!

(so why don't I quit now? Well, in a way, I think that's what I'm going to do. Wrap up all of my work, finish a little extra task, and leave on the best of terms with everyone. I'm working on it.)

Oh, and I visited Maryland this past weekend! It was neat. We saw Glen Burnie. We went to Plaza Garibaldi (which is fantastic!) We also went to DC and saw 15 minutes of the most amazing art in the country at the National Gallery, ate great Ethiopian food (which grows on me more every time I eat it. All 3 times.), and went to a Grand Buffet and Of Montreal concert in which we missed Grand Buffet. Lame. Of Montreal was really good though. And then we all got crabs (Stop. Get out a piece of paper, write all your dumb crabs jokes on it, and fold it into an origami crane. Hooray, now something good has come out of your stupid jokes: you have a crane!), which turned out to be an all-afternoon project. A great trip, all in all.

I'm excited about the future

I can't wait for:
PA Culinary Institute open house on Saturday
Maryland next weekend?
Kuyahoga the Thursday after that
New York the next day
Dartmouth immediately after that
A week at home
A week back here for TA training (aka very little work, right?)
(a semester back in school here... ehh whatever)
and a semester overseas.

Some say that you shouldn't live in the future; that you should make the most of every moment in the present. I might not be doing that as well as I should at this point. The future is so exciting, though. There's a bit in the Tao of Pooh about how the best part of eating honey isn't actually eating honey. It's the part right before you eat the honey. That's what these next two weeks feel like.

In case you read this and not .vomit

Who wants to go to this:
Kuyahoga

Details:
I'd like to get there at 4, or close, to catch the Go! Team, and stay until the end to see the Flaming Lips
Lawn tickets are $19.50, pavilion $39.50- I'd say we should go for lawn
This place (Blossom) is pretty nice, but it's also here

Ethical question: you make the call!

Long story short: I brought my bike to Beej's. I have brought it there twice in the past, both times I locked it to the fence on the way in, both times when I came back to it there was a sticker that said "Park this bike in the appropriate place. Don't park it here." So today I locked it to the fence again, with a post-it note on it that said "This bike will only be here for about 2 hours. Sorry for the inconvenience."

About a half hour later, I hear metal breaking, and I look outside, and there's the security guard, cutting my bike lock. I run outside and stop them from taking my bike away. He gives me a stern talking-to, I protest, but the fact is, my lock is already cut in two pieces. I mean, he gives me my bike back, of course.

Net result: I lose a $20 bike lock.

Here's the question: what should I do? The way I see it, here are my choices:
1. Do nothing, and get over it, because it's just a bike lock.
2. Do nothing, but harbor a grudge against the security guard.
3. On the way out, explain that, while rules may be rules, I was disappointed that he couldn't see above the useless rules to see that I was not hurting anyone and would only be there for a couple hours. Furthermore, I was irritated by the lecture he gave me and the unsympathetic way he dealt with me.
4. On the way out, say the same thing, more forcefully. (Strike this one, it's not really a good option at all.)
5. File a complaint with Amberson Gardens somehow

The tricky part about this is: I don't have any ground, legal or moral, to stand on. The reason I parked my bike there was that I figured it didn't hurt anyone and the guard wouldn't care, if it was just going to be there for a little while. He did warn me before that I shouldn't park my bike there.

(however, warning doesn't make something okay... if I say, I'm going to punch you unless you go away, that doesn't make it okay for me to punch you.)

Argh! I ended up choosing choice #2, I think, even though I'd like to choose #1. I don't know if I can do #1. I think the "warning doesn't make it okay" argument is probably my best moral ground, but it's crappy legal ground, (not that I'd ever do anything "legal" about this, obviously) because there is some rule about not blocking the way because it's a safety hazard. What should I have done?

Three things I wish I could do:

1. Write a song as incredibly catchy as "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" by the Spin Doctors.

2. Make a CD as unabashedly fun as "Cosmic Thing" by the B-52's. No, really, go give it a listen. Clearly, my opinion on this issue is biased because I listened to it a lot as a kid, but it is very solid. See: campy, 80's, and electronic. No low points besides maybe "Channel Z" or "Follow Your Bliss." Songs so fun you don't notice they're all 5 minutes long. Relaxed grooves like "Dry Country" and "Topaz" surrounding hits "Roam" and, of course, "Love Shack". It's a good disc.

3. Keep a straight face while singing a line like "Let's go behind this wall of vegetation/ I don't want no prying eyes when I give you a love sensation" in a voice like that of Fred Schneider of the B-52's in said CD.

-Dan
whose blog has been relegated to quick 5-minute blurbs because he doesn't take his computer home very much.

I just imported my 4000th song

and I made sure it was "Love Shack."

On a side note, please disregard the last post; it's true, but it's whiny. I should have more perspective: my job isn't that bad, is pretty easy, will be over in under a month, and then I'll take two awesome trips and have some time off before starting a new year and TA'ing, and then spending a semester in another continent. Really, I have no right to complain.

(Isn't it funny to speak about a "right to complain"? I should say I have no desire to complain. That's not quite true, though, and I can't lie about what I actually want to do, whether I think I "should" want to do it or not. See: The Book)

DAMN I hate coding!

that's all.

20-20-24 hours ago... I wanna be creative

I'm already sedated. It's my name.

Hey! I'm in lovely The Villages, Florida, where the sun always shines, there are sometimes buffalo, and there are no young hooligans around to interfere with your peaceful retirement. The sort of place I might have raged at as an angsty teenager (as opposed to an angsty two-decader, or angsty twenty-something, even if that something is a "nothing") before realizing that my anger is really misplaced, because, for crying out loud, you're throwing your insecurities at retired people? Besides, my grandparents live there, and they love it, so I have no reason to whine. Thank you for everything, The Villages; I have no complaints whatsoever.

Speaking of my grandparents, ever since my grandfather went into a delirious fit that left the doctors saying he was on the health-spiraling-downward-and-not-getting-better bus (don't say the D word!), he's not only gotten off of said bus, but he's traded in his ticket, rented a Ferrari, and sped off onto Recovery Road. He's up and about, off the oxygen tank that caused him to remark "I look like a goddamn invalid!", taking it easy but still walking around, driving his golf cart, and doing most of the things he ever does. He was only a little peeved that one of the doctors had said he had one month to live. What a champ. So thanks for all your well wishes, and keep them going if that does anything for you (he still has two rounds of chemo left!), but we think he'll be all right.

My visit has been very nice nevertheless. I helped them do what they gots to do, and spent a bunch of time with them too. Read most of Tom Robbins's "Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates", which I'm enjoying a bunch. Also finished "The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are"... a review will follow once I sort out my thoughts on it with Beej and Ram. Ate at two okay Thai places (once with my aunt and uncle, once with my grandparents) and a chain-but-tasty fish restaurant... transition to next paragraph.

...Reflected more on the purpose and impact of food. On the one hand, you have Ben Franklin, "Eat to live, don't live to eat." Also my mom, "Sometimes when people are visiting it becomes a routine of just waiting for the next meal." Also me, "this."
On the other hand, you have culinary school. You have the concept of "gourmet." You have food AS AN ART; but maybe even the best kind of art, because it affects at least four senses (often all five, or seven, or one, or however many you say there are), is made specially for you, is never quite the same twice, and is so ephemeral! You can make a point that food is the only art you need to survive. (Of course, I would argue with you then, too, but for different reasons.) What I'm trying to say is that I'm conflicted, because food can be wonderful, but I also think about food much too much for someone of my mental abilities (not bragging; I'm saying I have more intelligence than a lap dog).

What new wisdom do I have from my reflections on the all-important Meaning of Food? None. What new knowledge? Well, a lot of recipes from my grandmother, which I am typing up now. Mostly a lot of desserts. Some families have "family recipes" passed down from generation to generation; my grandmother has a file box full of newspaper clippings and note cards. The handwritten note cards are the ones to keep: they might be "family recipes." (This is not meant to sound ungrateful; I bet a lot of these recipes are pretty good. But there are no recipes that she's particularly proud of; no Family Recipes with capital letters.)

And as for the title of this post? Well, I feel like I'm bursting with some sort of creative energy. I want to make something. Something that people can look at and say, "Well. Dan has a little spark of that whatever-it-is that makes us human, after all." If it were a rock and roll song, or two or twelve, that would be nice too, because then we could play it in Grape Blunt.

But I have no guitar or other musical instrument with me; I have never written a song so I don't know where to start; I have so many fractions of musical knowledge, but they're all just fractions; I have a lot of ideas but none of them are about love or death, so they're all novelties at best; I am psyching myself out. And I think I'm suffering that same silver-lined syndrome that's plagued me my whole life: it's hard to be creative when everything is so darn NICE.

Tomorrow at this time I will be on an airplane.

Have I mentioned how much I love flying? Maybe it's just because it implies traveling. Maybe because it's a rare treat. Anyway, it's great. And I'm doing it tomorrow.

This week's been relaxing after work. I've taken a couple of relax days- just sitting at home, cooking for a while, playing some guitar and bass (and trombone!), reading some books. It's so peaceful! If I had a couple of relax-hours each day, and I could still spend time with friends and work a fulfilling job, that'd be neat. Maybe I should just create them.
"You have enough time to do anything. If you say you don't have enough time, what you really mean is that it's not high enough on your priority list." - Me

Speaking of reading books, I've been reading watered-down versions of some facets of Taoism and Hinduism, namely in The Tao of Pooh and The Book on the Taboo against Knowing Who You Are.

They're so brilliant! The religions, not the books. (the books are good too) Granted, I'm getting such a limited picture of the religions, I'm sure, but what I read, I like. You can argue philosophy all day, but when it comes down to it, the essential point in each seems to be: enjoy life! That's so refreshing! It certainly goes against:
- modern American middle-class life (which says "you should get more money and things")
- Protestantism, my supposed native religion ("Believe the Bible and do good works")
- What I thought Eastern philosophies were ("Meditate a lot until you transcend the world and reach Nirvana")
- Catholicism (I won't even get started here)

Maybe I'm extracting from them what I want to hear. Maybe I'm only reading the "fun parts" of the religions. But still, they both make a lot of sense, and it seems like we'd be a lot better off if we followed them. And whatever it is that we're all trying now certainly isn't working. Rock on, Eastern religions that I know very little about!

Good news

My grandpa's doing a lot better. He's home, he's walking around a little bit- my mom (who is down there now) says that in a week, when he puts on a hat, he'll look pretty normal.

Speaking of "in a week", I'm going down there in a week. Rock! I'll be gone Friday (6/30) at like 3 PM to Tuesday (7/4) at like 9 PM. It'll be great to see them again. And, as a bonus, I'll get to see my Uncle Jim and Aunt Conny before they jet off to Australia and New Zealand.

I love flying! I was considering taking an 8-hour flight from Tampa to Pittsburgh just so I could have a 3.5 hour layover in New York. But then I found out JFK airport is like 30-45 minutes away, so I probably wouldn't be able to see anything without sweating out the safety margins. I guess it'd be different if I weren't going to New York in a month and a half. Wheeee!

WOW. WHAT A CHAMP.

I don't use capital letters much, but look at this!
Where the hell is Matt?

In other news, I have not too much to say. Wait, yes I do. I'm ME, I always love to spout what's on my mind! Went to Ohiopyle with my family last weekend. Father's Day. It was nice. Nice is a good word for it, because it was bourgeois. The kind of "hike for a mile, then stop for ice cream" kind of trip that my parents love and that bugs me for no good reason (look, if it makes my family happy, then quit whining, right?)

I've had this argument with myself before, and it always ends up with me being petty and immature. The solution is to just grin and bear it, and travel on my own. Hello, spring 2007!

Umm... in serious news, Gramp is doing worse. The other day it was looking like he might not even come home (from the hospital, where he has some kind of complications from chemotherapy in his lung). Now, it looks like he might, but it's looking like a question of "how long", not "if." I may fly down there soon. I'm not going to avoid mentioning the word "death" like it's some taboo (which, in our society it is); in Gramp's own words, "whatever happens, will." So I realize he might die, which is kind of unfair (he was pretty healthy, exercised regularly, kept active, etc) but what can you do? It's a part of life. I'll keep you posted, loyal blog readers, but I'll be straightforward with it; don't mistake that for being disrespectful.

Enough of this, I'm going to play some guitar. Better get in all the practice I can before my enjoyment of it wears thin in a week, just like everything else I ever start. But I'll leave you with a happy thought: Man, if that guy can travel the world, well, it gives me hope.

I am not succeeding, and I don't blame anyone else.

First: how's life? I hate coding so much. What am I even doing in this industry? The people at work are pretty cool, and they're not asking me to do anything particularly great, but I just can't get anything done. And, of course, I want to do a good job, and I'm not so far. I think. Who knows? In summary, I am hating my job, and feeling bad about myself for doing so.

How lame is that? That is not the way to solve anything. With a couple more hours of sleep in me, maybe I can do better.

Listening to some good music, though. Abbey Road and Rubber Soul have been on the ol' iTunes, along with Tally Hall and OK Go, and a little bit of Eels. Abbey Road is pretty good, except "Her Majesty", despite what you think, Ram. Tally Hall is pretty good, and varied, and so good for them! But one of the genres they go into is "boy band". They'll have to work on that.

I'll be gone this weekend, at Ohiopyle w/ my family. Should be neat. I'll be back on Sunday (for the concert on Sunday night, anyway)

As the Eels have said, "That's Life!"

As for last year: the story is mostly told. What happened the rest of the semester? A lot of not very much. I became an instigator in the group, then eventually left the group after meeting other folks who I found more interested in things that I found fun. That's life too. Somewhere in there, I ended up getting a couple of Facebook groups and the Fence named after me. I guess life works out for the Beta male.

Wait, except, remember how in wolf packs, only the alpha male and alpha female mate? I'd argue that life at CMU is similar to life in a wolf pack. (for example, both places, sometimes you wake up next to a bear.) To be honest, I am not finding anyone particularly interesting (nor vice versa) and I can't keep blaming CMU.

Which brings us to this year. I'm meeting this group, performing very well in this social game, if I do say so myself. But I'm not particulary spending a lot of time with them, because I'd rather spend time with my current friends. Which is fine. Except I'd still like to meet more girls. See Beej's previous comment. I mean, really, that's it. Which is why it's kind of lame because I've been doing stuff like playing poker and ultimate frisbee with this group's alpha male's high school friends (all dudes.) I don't even like poker! And, well, in ultimate frisbee, the one time I really got to throw the frisbee, I, uh, threw it into the next field.

"That's Life!"

And then there's The Tao of Pooh, which is making me think about my world once again. It's pretty neat. I mean, the author's pretty much a condescending dick, but he (or rather the Taoists who wrote the stuff that he read) makes a lot of great points. "Don't worry." "Deal with it." It's so laid-back. (another interesting bit is that, just as I'm thinking that I'm in the wrong field because I hate programming, I read the chapter about Tigger in "The Te of Piglet", and how we modern people are always starting new things and never finishing, and we never stick it out and accomplish anything. Coincidence?)

I'd write more, but probably the main problem with me right now is the lack of sleep. As always, right? I'm off to the dream world now. See you all Sunday.

Group Dynamics, unit 1, chapter 3

This week was turbulent. That's not a bad thing.

First, jobwise, because that's easier. It got worse, because I worked for about a week, and felt like I didn't really accomplish anything. I'm just befuddled by all this coding- I don't know what the hell to do. I don't want to ask for help every five minutes, because then I'm not being "independent" (plus my boss is really busy), but I do need the help.

(obvious solution, right? just ask for help! if he's given me an assignment that I can't do, I should ask for help. of course my next argument is "it's not that simple," right? well, maybe it is, and I'm just not assertive enough. well, what can you do. ask me in a week how my job is, and I'll probably be all smiles)

Still with me? Good. This is the more interesting part: Meeting a Bunch of New People.

The other interns that I've met seem mostly all right. Some of them are from the PSLC (where I work), some of them work elsewhere, and I just happened to meet them because they live in New House along with the people that I work with. As a whole, they seem like pretty normal people, not a bunch of programmers. (this is because most of them actually aren't programmers.) They seem to be winners, too- not proverbial dumb jocks or preps or any other stereotypical group that doesn't really exist but kind of does. And there's a decent male/female ratio, I think. That's good. So they've earned my respect, and as a result, I want to earn theirs. Fair enough.

But how does this work? I don't remember at all. The last time I met a group of people that I respected from the start who were equally unfamiliar with each other was freshman year, in Henderson House. You know, the Dorm Friends that you meet at the start of college. The last time it had really happened like that before then was the beginning of high school, and I don't think my voice had changed yet. That doesn't really count.

Anyway, I was desperate to appear a Cool Dude. Aren't we all? You want to be the biggest fish in the pond, or risk being scorned and relegated to a lower pond, right? And at a lower level, it may all go back to the instinctual desire to impress the opposite sex.

(before I go on, I'd like to note that I'm talking about status as if it exists. I know, in an ideal world it doesn't, and everyone's equal, and everyone is friends with everyone. But come on. Think of four people of higher status than you. Now think of four lower. That didn't take long, right?)

(oh yeah, and I'm also talking about this all as if I'm a professor. I know that I don't know any more about people than any of you. If anything I say sounds wrong, or if you have other input, let me know. Thanks!)

Anyway, so it's freshman year. I want to appear cool. From the first night we sat around the lounge and played the game where you add an adjective to your name (e.g. "Dangerous Dan") and try to learn everyone's names, I could tell who would become the "Big Man on Campus" of the house. Well, I picked two, and was half right. This guy, as Alpha Males are everywhere, was smart, athletic, energetic, genuinely interested in about everything, had a couple of areas of expertise, and was pretty good at everything. Oh yeah, and above all else, good looking, because let's face it, if you're good looking, you get a whole lot of leeway. (For reference, I'll call this alpha male "Alf.")

So it went; whenever he suggested a plan, others jumped on board. I was one of them. I developed a bit of a rapport with this guy- I was a little like a right hand man, in that I'd want to do things too, but lacked the natural charisma to be the Alpha Male. I'd usually agree with Alf's plan, and when two people do something, well, then, everyone does it. And here's the funny thing: even if I disagreed with him, I'd end up agreeing with him. We played soccer a lot, I think. I don't even like soccer. (of course Alf was good at soccer.)

As for the instinctual urge to impress the opposite sex, well, I did as well as I could, but clearly didn't "connect" with anyone in the way that that happens. in movies. Such is life. It should be noted that the Alpha Male can have any girl in the group that he wants.

But then school started and Alf, being an architect, went to studio forever. He slowly dropped out of our lives, leaving a power vacuum, right? As a result, we became sort of amorphous, with no real leader. The whole group would go out to dinner or whatever, and we'd all have to go: a couple instigators who wanted to go on the trip, a couple of friends they'd ask, and a lot of barns.

("barn" = "barnacle"- it's someone who just tags along, uninvited, or "barns along." Unfortunately, you can't tell a barn he's not invited, because, given the hive mind of college, it's assumed that everyone's invited to everything all the time. Also, barns happen all the time- I don't want to suggest that they are unique to this power vacuum that happens when an Alpha Male leaves a group)

Anyway, I apparently have a lot more to say than when I started. I think I'll try to chronicle what exactly happened freshman year, and then how it relates to what's going on now. I'm seeing the exact same things, and it's weird and frustrating and fun again. I'll try to pick this up later.

The point of the whole story, though, is that now I have to balance the new friends with the old friends, when really I'd love to just hang out with my existing friends all summer. It's so much fun. But you grow by meeting new people, right? It'd be nice to make friends among my summer coworkers. (and let's not forget the instinctual drive below all of this, eh?)

I might always want the opposite of what I have

This job is getting me a bit down. It doesn't make any sense: it's exactly what I feel like I want to be doing. Computer science plus AI plus teaching is great, right? Maybe it's because I'm not doing much AI/teaching yet. It's been a lot of code hacking. It's tough for me to dig in to a project that exists (hundreds of thousands of lines of code) and do anything. The more I learn, the better it will get. And sooner or later, I'll do something actually neat.

Today I walked outside after work, felt and saw the setting sun, and thought, good God, how I'd like to be climbing a mountain right now. I've done this once in my life, and by "climb a mountain" I mean "do some basic climbing on the side of a mountain." I can't say I feel some particular great holy closeness to nature. It's very pretty, to be sure, and runner's high combined with the feeling of having climbed a mountain make it nice, even as heat/cold/bugs/etc make it bad.

(sidebar: that doesn't explain why I then went inside to lift weights, and am now sitting in WRCT, in the basement, ripping CDs)

Point is, climbing a mountain is a lovely "life resume" piece. Like the other day, we were going around the table at this reception for the interns where I'm working, and we had to say one interesting things about ourselves, and this one professor said that he'd hiked the entire Appalachian trail. How cool is that? If I could say, for example, that I'd climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, that'd be pretty neat. But who am I trying to impress? Good question. Maybe myself? You're always your own worst critic.

Also, yesterday, I was in a bookstore, and I saw a book about "how to plan your bike trip from Pittsburgh to DC"- that's cool too! And I heard about a challenge to hike the 34-mile Rachel Carson trail (north of Pgh) in one day, sunup to sundown, and I thought how cool that would be too! I just want to do all these sweet physically challenging things. While I'm young. While I can do these things. So that, when I'm 70, or even when I'm 50 and have failing joints, or when I'm 30 and have cancer, I won't have to say "I wish that I'd climbed a mountain." or "I wish I'd biked more than 30 miles in a day" (for all my biking, I still haven't done that, I think. That's small change to bikers, right? See, I have to get my act together!)

Meanwhile, I'm stuck in a job sitting at a computer all day. Of course, if I had a job planting trees, I'd want to be in an office. See the title of this post: if I go on this way, I might never be content. I'm trying to get myself to live with minimal worldly attachment. But I still want to do all this sweet stuff. This is quite the trite internal debate, isn't it? Maybe I'll just live minimally AND do all this great stuff.

Aiii... there aren't enough hours in a day, or a life.

More posts to come, intermittently, whenever I have my computer and am not on the clock. Look, I'm not going to blog at work. And part of living minimally is living without a friggin computer sometimes. So there you go!

Jesus Saves!

... is the name of the wireless network I am piggybacking on. (Is that the right word? If not, I can't think of the right word right now. And I'm in a hurry because I want to get this post up before I lose the connection again.)

I don't officially have INTERNETS until June 11, when the cable folks come over. I do have a sweet apartment, complete with futon; a job that is so-far unfulfilling but promises to get better; three days of a vegetarian month completed; and a summerful of time with a yearful of optimism and energy.

In short:
Thank you for everything; I have no complaints whatsoever.

Three highlights of today, each of which made me think

I will go from the not-so-good to the really good.

1. Mulch. My dad got 5 cubic yards of mulch delivered today, as he does every year. Well, okay, last year he got 10. Have you seen a cubic yard of anything recently? That is a large measurement. Anyway, it takes a lot of time to spread 5 cubic yards of mulch. Like most yard work, spreading mulch annoys me. It's particularly irksome because it's so cosmetic (and otherwise pointless). It's all about the Very Green Lawn (or in this case, the Very Brown Mulch Beds in the Very Green Yard). He could just not do it one year, and the plants would be fine.

So, okay, whatever, he has his interests. If he wants to go all out for his Very Green Lawn, that's fine. But the problem is, he drags us along with it. We can argue about the reasons behind it, but then the mulch people deliver the mulch, and, well, there is a Huge Pile of Dirt in our driveway, and we've got to move it sooner or later. So either we help or we feel guilty.

Ultimately, though, the net result? I do about 2 hours of yard work. Hell, that's good for me. So, as the rest of this post will continue to drive home, I have no right (nor desire) to complain.

2. Ultimate Fighting Championship. My friend Kemal invited me over today, because there was a big UFC fight on TV. Apparently this guy Royce Gracie, a previous champion, came out of retirement to fight Matt Hughes, the up-and-coming all-star. Now, when I heard about this professional fighting thing, what did I think? Well, first, pro wrestling, which is ridiculous. Then, pro boxing, which I've never seen, but I know it involves Don King and a lot of punches. Then, well, Ultimate Fighting Championship- is this one of these extreme cage-match sort of competitions where people break limbs and gouge eyes?

In my mind, it's unlike, and more respectable than, any of the above. There are a few rules: no eye gouging, there are a few places you can't hit, but other than that, it's pretty much fair game. The match ends after one fighter is knocked out, one fighter surrenders by "tapping out", the ref ends the match, or three 5-minute rounds have passed. So there's some punching and kicking, and there's some wrestling ("grappling"). There's a lot of technique to it- the champs have to know lots of different fighting styles- jiu-jitsu, submission wrestling, etc.- in order to win. Yeah, they have to be strong too.

There was a remarkable lack of trash-talking, scantily clad women, and people getting hit with folding chairs. I mean, these elements showed up, (except the folding chairs) but that's to be expected, I guess, given the fact that it's the ultimate display of machismo, right? A lot of the fighters were very cool about the whole thing- they helped each other up, even hugged each other after a good fight. Yeah, some of them drew blood, but ultimately, it was a sporting contest, not a bitter fight between rivals, and certainly not a scripted melodrama.

Oh yeah, and Matt Hughes demolished Royce Gracie. Some of the other fights (they had about 8 fights, Hughes-Gracie was the "main event") were much better contests.

3. Chez Francois. Yeah, that's the name of the restaurant my family and I went to tonight. Yeah, it was as extravagant as it sounds. The reason started off as a belated Mother's Day event for my mom, but then sort of morphed into a celebration of my birthday. That is pretty clever: there's no way I'd let us go to a place that indulgent for my birthday.

The food? It was so good. I couldn't tell you off the top of my head how many courses there were. Let me count through them:

1. A little asparagus soup, topped with a red pepper soup, served in what looked like a double shot glass with a tiny spoon. I mean, it looked like a green and red layered shot. Compliments of the chef. Big points for presentation, and it was a neat little pre-meal.

2. Appetizers: we shared some lobster bisque (with a very airy puffed pastry on the top) and some shrimp in kataife phyllo (looks like shredded wheat) served with a pineapple and raisin (maybe?) chutney. The bisque was particularly great (the pastry was a nice touch); the shrimp, particularly interesting. Next time I go to a Greek store, remind me to get some of this Kataife stuff. It's neat.

3. Salad: Man, I almost forgot this, and it was really good. Hmm. What were the greens? I don't remember. Some fancy greens. With onions, bacon, and hard-boiled egg crumbled on top and a "champagne vinaigrette" dressing. Points for the dressing. Also some french bread, with honey butter. The bread was unremarkable, but the butter was very good.

4. The Main Course: Wow, what did I get? Okay, it was a special, so I can't find it on their menu, but here goes:
Barramundi (a fish, originally from Australia. Supposedly, it's like sea bass. Pronounced "Bear Monday.") with a crispy coating (... not the official description), served over thinly sliced onions and (some special kind of) mashed potatoes, with whole fingerling potatoes and asparagus on the side. Man, that was tasty! The fish was mild enough for people (like my dad) who don't like fishy fish, but the coating was interesting. I have to learn to cook asparagus like the fancy restaurants do. I think the secret is a lot of olive oil.

My dad got Filet de Boeuf au Stilton- "Center cut filet mignon, grille, topped with Stilton Blue cheese, garnished with a cheese crisp and a potato gallette with a ruby port wine sauce." I had a bite, and man, I think that was even better. Very rich, though, very heavy. But the super-tender steak with the creamy cheese- man.

My mom and sister split Suprême de Volaille aux Noisettes et aux Crustacés- "A roasted French breast of chicken, served with Maine lobster, cold water shrimp, and a hazelnut sweet potato mousseline, sauced with a mushroom and apple Frangelico cream sauce." Also great, but I feel like if you get chicken at this place, you're missing out. I don't think I quite appreciate lobster yet- well, I've had it about twice in my life, and each time just a bite or two.

I really enjoyed this main course. I was the last one done, and not even because I was mopping up remains from everyone else (Although I wasn't too proud to steal my dad's asparagus. He didn't want his asparagus?!). I'm proud of that. Eating slowly, actually savoring it- I'm not used to it yet, but I'm getting there.

5. Dessert- wait, there's more! We split chocolate cheesecake and ... dang... some other thing that I can't find on their online menu, because the dessert menu's not online. It was a chocolate molten cake ("It's sort of like a flourless cake. Although he did use flour."- Joan, our ever-gracious waitress), with freshly made vanilla bean ice cream. Oh yeah, and it looked like this.

As for the beverages, well, they offered us a selection of two different brands of bottled water, or tap water. A "water selection" ! Ridiculous. A fine wine list, I'm sure; I would have ordered a glass, because it's the kind of thing I should get used to doing. Plus, I like it. But when they asked me, I was caught off guard, having just told them I was 20 when they asked whose birthday it was. I enjoyed an Irish coffee with dessert though- a bit ironic at a French restaurant, maybe, but I wanted to get in one little bit of Feeling Like An Adult Although I Guess I'm Not Yet For One More Year.

They did have a "cheese selection" with dessert too, if you're into that sort of thing. The full extent of this place's extravagance can be found here.

So, enough about what food I ate. It was a birthday celebration! Also one of the most pleasant evenings I've had for just a while. My parents gave me some cool gifts, notably money to attend cooking courses here and there at Pittsburgh places and a (apparently very famous) cookbook called "the Joy of Cooking." It was also nice when I realized that this is an occasion to celebrate, and that my family wanted to celebrate, so I shouldn't do what I normally do at restaurants when I'm not paying: order one of the less expensive things to eat, and nothing to drink. They wanted me to get whatever I wanted, so shoot, I did. I think a great thing in life is the ability to recognize when someone wants to be generous, and to give them that opportunity.

But more than the gifts or the extravagant food, it was nice to be together with the family again. Any more description I could give is probably trite, because you know what I mean, (I hope) so I won't keep talking, using my hammerful wordly powers* to describe this feeling of being together with the family. I love, and will miss, them.

*What I mean is that my command of language is like a hammer, whereas a skilled writer has a precision screwdriver. Yeah, it gets the job done, but it's not usually eloquent. Except there. I think "hammerful wordly powers" is one of the most eloquent phrases I've used in a while. So I'll end this post on a high note.

Categorizing sports

I was in the shower, you know, down time for the ol' noggin, so I decided to create more of my world by naming, categorizing, applying value judgments to things. In this case, sports. For example, soccer and hockey are really the same game- you're trying to get the ball (or puck) down the field and put it in the goal. So soccer and hockey go in the same category.

At first I was amazed at how few categories there are. Then I was amazed at how many. Without further ado, here are the categories as I have decided them:

Football-type: Soccer, Hockey, Ultimate Frisbee, Football, Basketball, Rugby, Lacrosse, Water Polo, Team Handball, Tlachtli
Clearly the most popular category.

Race-type: Track, Cross Country, Cycling, Downhill Skiing, Speed Skating, any other kind of race
The idea is to cover a lot of ground, either through a course or just straight, as quickly as possible. Sometimes hardly even a sport, like track: it's difficult, but come on, running as fast as you can? It's not very original.

Tennis-type: Tennis, Badminton, Table Tennis, Racquetball, Squash, Handball, Volleyball
These all have the objective of making the ball land twice (or once) on your opponent's side. Racquetballish games differ only in that both sides are in the same court.

Gymnastics-type: Gymnastics, Figure Skating, and a lot of the "extreme sports" like half-pipe snowboarding and skateboarding
These are a bit different in that the winner is determined by a judge (or panel of judges)

Baseball-type: Baseball, Softball (if that's a different game than baseball, which I'd argue that it's not), Cricket
Why so low on the list? Really, they don't make sense. Hit a ball and run around bases? Who the hell came up with that?

Fighting-type: Boxing, Wrestling, Fencing
Again, simple. But we have to classify these somehow. Mano a mano games in which the object was once to kill the opponent.

Golf-type: Golf, Bowling, Curling, any kind of target shooting
Well, these are obviously pretty different, but the objective in all of them is to do something difficult that requires precision over and over again. Also, your opponent can't really affect your score at all.

Any I missed?

It should be noted that sports don't necessarily fall into one category, although most do. For example, the Best Sport, freestyle mogul skiing, is race-type and gymnastics-type, because speed and judges' points both matter.

You can take the kid away from the video games...

but you can't take the video games out of the kid. Something like that. This week, I've realized why it's fantastic that I haven't bought any video games for years now. If I did, I would become woefully unproductive for a while (as I have been this week). They're like breakfast cereal: fine in small doses, but I am unable to consume either in small doses. But at least I know that, which is why I don't (usually) buy cereal or video games anymore.

I just cooked for 11 people and it turned out perfectly! Granted, the menu was uninspired (chicken, burgers, corn, fruit, salad, bread) but the timing was impeccable, if I do say so myself, and everything turned out well. It was all done at the same time! The chicken was particularly tasty. And, well, timing is at least 50 percent of cooking. My uncle (who is a great cook) says he might* be able to show me how to cook a rack of lamb this weekend... sweet!

*Might, because both his real mom and his foster mom are dying this week. I think that's who they are. Both really nice old ladies, especially his foster mom. She's incredible- I only met her a few times, but she was this old black woman, the nicest person ever. I guess she became like the social hub of her nursing home even. Everyone knew her, everyone liked her. His real mom (I think that's who the other one is) was also really nice, I guess, but I knew her even less. Anyway, they're both very at peace with the world right now, which is a topic for a much longer and heavier post, but it is also very good. It sounds like they're both ready. Which is pretty incredible. Offer them your well wishes as they cross on into that Greatest Adventure of All, death and/or afterlife.

On lighter topics: I got a blender, too! I, uh, picked it out. And bought it. My grandma (who is not the best at getting around to places) said, after I mentioned I wanted a blender, "How about if you go pick out a blender. And then you can just buy it. We can pay you for it later. Do you want me to give you the money now? Or later. Either way." So I did. I make her sound very insensitive, and that's not fair. They're sweet. Just sometimes a little out of touch with reality.

I've been spending some time with them both these last couple weeks, which is good. They are very nice people. Again, sometimes a little crazy (for example, my grandma wants my dad to re-stain her deck. He built her this deck like 2 years ago. It was a herculean effort. Restaining it would be equally ambitious. And unnecessary.). But as grandkids, we don't have to deal with all the pecadilloes- to them, we're golden! They love us to death, right? So it's nice to be able to spend some time with them- playing golf with my grandpa, going to lunch with my grandma, etc.

She also has the best sayings. The way she delivers them. She'll be unable to find the right words, so she'll just say whatever pops into her head. Tonight, she called me a ball of fire. "Dan, you're just a, ah, uh, ... a ball of fire!" Last weekend she called my dad a "brat from China." It's great.

Sports and Lawns

- Most things are arbitrary. Pro sports doubly so. How ridiculous is it to have an event in which a team represents your entire city, and you get all psyched up about it, then you feel great if they win and bad if they lose? Why do people cheer? If the team wins, good for them; if they lose, whatever. Your cheering won't change the outcome at all. Not to mention, have you been to a sporting event recently? It is the most Pavlovian thing in my usual experience:

"Fans! Get up on your feet and make some noise, because we've got some hot DiGiorno pizzas, and we're giving them out to the loudest fans!" I swear, they could give out loaves of bread. Heads of cabbage. Bananas. What better to easily stimulate people than tasty food?
"Turn your attention to center court, where you will now be entertained by this team of breakdancers!" Pander to me, please! I can't go a couple minutes without some lame throwaway entertainment!
"It's time for the Taco Bell ball toss!" I'm not even making this up... they throw these worthless little plastic balls into the crowd, and people scramble for them.
or the usual
"It's time to get loud!" "De-fense!" BOOM BOOM "De-fense!" BOOM BOOM... Make noise, because we tell you to! You have to support the home team!
At this last game I went to, they gave us towels, and they kept putting a sign on the scoreboard that said "Whirly-bird" which meant that you're supposed to wave the towel around. You know, like a Terrible Towel, except they're prompting you.

All I'm saying is, most of the typical brainwashy dystopias have this sort of event somewhere ingrained in their society, and it really helps with their mind control schemes... let's hope The Pro Sports People never use it for evil.

- Mowing the lawn is a little bit of an atrocity. "Let's shape nature to our own selfish desires." Those needs include pushing a gas-spewing motor across it every week in order to prevent any sort of organic growth pattern. And inventing another chore that a lot of people hate to do. And maybe some artificial fertilizers would help. The best is when you bag up and throw away the grass that you pick up.

I'm sorry, that last paragraph was very snide. I apologize for the sarcastic tone. My point is that it's kind of artificial to want a very green lawn. Oh dear, I'm becoming a hippie again. Good grief, I better stop writing now.

"It's only minor Dickens"

My friend Erik was talking about his hoity-toity ivory-tower professor, who said that about David Copperfield, I think. It sounds like a spam subject line. Or maybe a bookstore in the entertainment complex*: Minor Dickens.

...or a life motto. (Look at that, a dramatic line-break/ellipsis!) A lot of things don't matter, yet we act like they do. For example, gas prices. None of us is going to be forced into poverty because of $3/gallon gas. (especially those of us who don't drive, but that's beside the point) Let me know if you are, and I'll come back and get a better example. But we'll just buy fewer things. (Great!)

Or this: my sister's choir director forced them all to go see this choral concert on Mother's Day, so some people got all pissy. First of all, the director shouldn't care. Second, students, if it's that big a deal, just tell the director why you can't go, and don't go. Third, get over it! So you wasted a couple hours at a concert. Big deal.

Erik put it pretty well: No single event in your life is going to have a huge impact, positive or negative. So you try to do the best you can at as many things as you can. And don't worry about it if something goes badly.

This is getting wordy and abstract, and I think I've made my point, so I'm done.

*I should really keep a list of what's in the Entertainment Complex. So far, I think we have:
Have Table (King Arthur themed; everyone sits at semicircular tables.)
Dick in a Round (a theatre in the round, only performs Richard II, Richard III, or one-man shows featuring an actor named Richard.)
Up (restaurant in a skyscraper, about halfway up. Brick walls inside the skyscraper walls, no windows to the outside. Bar and grille. Serves beer in frosted mugs.)
Wootrant (restaurant serving one dish each day. When that dish runs out, we start making something else. Gourmet food, cheap prices. See woot.com)
What's In Store (a store. It sells whatever we want to sell. When people ask what it sells, the answer is "What's in store.")
Minor Dickens (bookstore. Details are still under review.)

This is interesting

This.
Not because of it being Zacarias Moussaoui, but because of the dynamic that must have been in that room. ... "We all agree. Except one of us."

And what if you were that one guy? Would you sit quietly? Would you speak in favor of the death penalty? Because you know you better not let anyone know who you are. If the jurors knew, shoot, they could practically blackmail you. If the public knew, you'd probably get death threats and stuff.

And... scene!

And I'm done with another year. Halfway done with college. Possibly about 20% done with life as a student. Entering my third decade on this planet in exactly two weeks. Passing milestones without noticing.

Looking back, I notice I posted this in September:
Post title: I HAVE SIX PLANS
Post content:

1. Become a tour guide next semester, to show people what it's really like.

2. Go vegetarian for a week, just to try it.

3. Invite people over next week or next next week before a rehearsal and make a bunch of burritos.

4. Organize a ski trip over winter break.

5. Organize a cooking group to try new recipes and stuff.

6. Invest some money in a mutual fund or other high-yield investment.

Well, I did 3, 4, 5, and 6. I couldn't do 1, because the job's just not available. All they said was "look on Tartantrak," which I did a lot, with no luck. I'll have to talk to Alex DiClaudio- I think he's a tour guide, actually.

#2 is the month of June. June is vegetarian month! At least for me. I'll post more details on .vomit (or .events if that gets big) and you can join me if you want. The reason: when it comes down to it, it's hard to justify eating meat, especially the way we do now, and here's why:

If animals have feelings, then eating meat is clearly wrong, and we're torturing some huge percentage of the mammals on the earth. If they don't, well, then it comes down to efficiency. It's a lot less efficient to grow a field of grain and other foods, feed them to a cow, then kill the cow, than to just eat the grain and other food. Why don't people in developing countries eat much, if any, meat? I figure, to help limit my personal footprint on the earth, it wouldn't hurt to try eating no meat for a month.

Oh yeah, and you ever see those photos/videos of meat factories and industrial "farms"? Ayyy. EVEN IF those are just dumb animals who can't feel pain (may or may not be true...), I don't want to put something that's grown under those conditions into my body.

Side note: damn, when did I turn into such a hippie? Don't worry, I still shave!

Point is, I set out to do things, and I did them. Let me try again, but this time with goals, instead of plans:

1. Study abroad! Somewhere!

2. Be the best TA that Concepts of Math has seen since Matt Szudzik. Hell, be better! Be that one recitation that people actually go to, because it's interesting.

3. Rock a lot in the research over the summer.

4. Get into a sweet grad school. (And go there.)

5. Get back in better shape. My exercise routine has drifted off.

Note that these are much longer term goals, and I won't be able to post in a year and say that I've done all of them. Most of them, though!

And maybe I should tack on a #5 1/2. Enjoy summer a little bit. Relax a bit. Become more carefree. Because, when it comes down to it, most stuff doesn't matter.

I'm reading Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut now. It's great.

I'm a TA!

I got the job as a TA, for 21-127, Concepts of Math. I got the 9:30 section... but if you're taking Concepts, for whatever reason, sign up for it despite the early morning. I'll make it worth it. Yeah! Rock!

I like Indian and Greek food a lot.

India Garden is very good. If you want to go to the lunch buffet there anytime this week, give me a call.

Or, if you'd rather try the Greek Food Fest this week, that's very good too. I got some sort of meatballs ("Souvakakia"? not Souvlaki, that's different), and Moussaka (which is GREAT) and something called "Green Beans and Zucchini Yhannia" maybe? Plus grape leaves. Mmm. Oh yeah, and then we went to the pastry table and said "I'd like one of everything." The winners were, in my opinion, some kind of cake that started with a K and had nutmeg in it, as well as "Kataife"?, which looked like Shredded Wheat with nuts in the middle and drenched in honey. Really great.

And I think I'd like Brazilian food a lot too. Anyone want to go to Green Forest? Or is that too much great food for a week?

Sometimes I'm a sap, but

I thought the board sleepover/Ritter's was a lot of fun. Something about having an unusual group of people and doing something unusual. Even if it is playing a game like "loaded questions" (which is fun, and I'll fight you if you disagree) and going to a diner at 4 AM, after we're all drained from Scotch on the Rocks and strike. Whatever. It was fun. (plus a chili omelet is pretty good)

Someone gave me a great compliment tonight:

"You're a sophomore? I took you for a senior!"

However, this contributes to the problem of inward focus in social situations. Note to everyone: It's not about you! The more you focus on other people, the better off you are- you're more social, you're more enjoyable, you have more fun.

This is true only to a point. And it's arguable. But it's often great advice for those of us with big egos (myself included). Or those of us who think that we have small egos but then spend a lot of time talking about ourselves, be it in a braggadocious OR self-deprecating way.

But it was a nice compliment to get. Thanks.

Oh, how about this weekend, when I was a hippie.

On Friday, I participated in part of something that's pretty great: Critical Mass. This biking group, it's not even a group, they just meet outside the Carnegie Library in Oakland on the last Friday of every month at about 5:30, then they just go on a bike ride. The kicker is that, at least when I went, there were at least 100, probably 150 people there. So we took up multiple lanes of traffic- sometimes the entire road. Man! That was cool! Ever ride a bike through what traffic would be like if there were no cars? It's a cool thing!

It ended at the Paint and Body Shop in Wilkinsburg (now I guess an art gallery/concert venue or something) and there was a party with food, so I went. They were serving pasta and sauce, and when I was in line for food, the question wasn't "Do you want meat or meatless sauce?", it was "vegan or non-vegan?" Actually, it was "is anyone here not vegan?" ... it was a pretty hairy group of people. I soon left.

In their defense, their cheap beer of choice was Pabst. The same cannot be said for Joe and Connor, unfortunately, as they elected to purchase Natural Ice for beer pong on Saturday. Nevertheless, that party was one of the best in a long time. (see the log I posted on .vomit for details)

Today: I went to the Mattress Factory, and got FREAKED OUT. I like to think I'm usually pretty brave (that may be true or not. I still haven't given blood.), but something about that place was so terrifying. Like the dark room with just a big blue rectangle... there are so many ways that could become scarringly frightening. (for example, if you turned around and the walls on the way out were covered in something scary) (Note that none of it actually was frightening- I mean, it wasn't a haunted house) But it was fascinating! The room with mirrors in all directions- you can't experience that anywhere else! I felt like that was modern art that, maybe I didn't understand it, maybe I didn't appreciate it, but maybe I started to appreciate it. Yeah, it's pretentious. Of course it is. But unlike most pretentious shit, as I was observing it, I thought, "Wow." If you'd like to go, let me know, because I'd love to go back- there's a lot I didn't see.

And now I'm getting the music sentimentality. If you ever listen to the radio, listen to my show tomorrow (10AM-12PM, 88.3fm, wrct.org) because it's my end-of-semester wrap-up, and it'll be amazing. Listening to my favorite songs of the semester means reliving the semester, which means nostalgia. Again, when it comes down to it, I like being a connoisseur of pop music, hipster as it may be.

And speaking of nostalgia, I'm starting to get the end of the year blatz. Shit! I want to hang out with every single one of you! Especially the seniors! I will try not to let my schedule get filled with other noise.

Re: my last post. Also, regulating accounts.

See, there are days like that, and then there are nights like last night, when everything sort of works out right. When I realize that all (or most) of my closest friends (in Pittsburgh) are there with me, and that there are at that moment no responsibilities, and that I can step out of my overanalytical control-freak shell and enjoy a moment, and wish that the night had 1400 hours in it.

It doesn't happen often; I feel bad at organizing get-togethers. I feel like it's a good idea to expand friendly gatherings beyond the few hours of Friday and Saturday nights; if 5/7 of your week is straight work, that sucks a little bit. Or if your only encounters with friends are through business (like rehearsal). But then I organize a gathering and it's a bunch of people sitting around, bored. What I'm trying to do is spend time with friends without spending it putting food or drinks into ourselves, or spending money. There's got to be more you can do. Are we just not very creative?

About this whole in-and-out-flow of food and money thing: we spend most of our lives doing it.
You eat food, it's tasty. You exercise, it's difficult. (often it's fun. but it's still difficult, whether you're running or biking or whatever.) Food goes in, food gets burned off.
You work, you get money, it's difficult. (and maybe, hopefully, you like your job; it's still difficult) You spend money, you do something neat or you get things (or maybe you even get food), it's fun.
Obviously, the examples aren't complete. Sometimes you eat because you have to; sometimes you spend money because you have to. Sometimes you love exercise or your job so much that it's easy, and you do it a lot.

The point is, so much of your life is dedicated to these two tasks: your bank account and your food account.

Is that good? I feel like it's animalistic, especially the food account. Any animal can do that. And any idiot can spend his whole life chasing after money. I don't really want to get into a big discussion of "what is meaningful in life" yet, because I don't have any new insight since the last time I talked to you. Yes, you. Whoever you are, if we've had that conversation once, I don't really have any new bright ideas. If we haven't, we should! Given that people who read this are probably my friends, if you're reading this, I'd like to know what's driving your life- it's kind of an important issue, and one that really lets me get to know you, I think, much moreso than "how's it going?" Plus, maybe you know the secret, and you can let me in on it!

But I got sidetracked. I feel like I want to minimize the time spent regulating my food account and bank account. So if you have an idea for a Thing To Do that doesn't involve those, please, let me know! (of course, I still like doing those things: if I'm eating dinner, or going to a movie, or playing Whirlyball, or what have you, with friends, I'm spending time with friends, which, in my book, is in the top five things in the world. Even above skiing. Which is really saying something.) I'll repeat the previous sentence, not for emphasis, but just to get back on the same train of thought: So if you have an idea for a Thing To Do that doesn't involve those, please, let me know!

Two more weeks...

I just keep telling myself that... two more weeks...

For all the good times I'll remember about college, there's a lot of crap that I won't. Like now, staying up till 5 staring at a take-home test that doesn't make any goddamn sense, for a class I don't even want to be in, that's not even helping me graduate. Geez! Of all my classes right now, only AI is fulfilling at all. Maybe German a bit too, although why the hell am I learning German? I could go study in a lot of places without spending lots and lots of hours learning another language! But that's a different issue.

5 days a week, I'm a zombie. (not my fault! for God's sake, I eat healthier than a pro athlete; I exercise at least a reasonable amount, usually 5+ days a week; I sleep a lot, usually 7-8+ hours. I don't know what else I can do.) Then it's the weekend and I forget all about it. I think I know why people drink heavily. Not that I'm going to start doing that- the only thing dumber than going through this weekly pattern is going through this weekly pattern with a tad of alcoholism tacked onto the end.

I'm so tired of being tired.

A bit of optimism at 7 AM

City of Angels was a lot of fun. I'm no theatre critic, but I think we did a great job. I was really feeling it during the last run, really getting into it, which I hadn't done before, because I'm only in a couple of scenes.

I kind of enjoyed strike too, mainly because I think I was helpful. Stuff like taking entire platforms apart, etc. Sweet.

At any rate, things are looking up, and I feel pretty good. But sleepy. Good night. Good morning!

free(myself);

I'm done with malloc. For those of you who haven't taken 15-213, it's the toughest (of 7) homework assignments in the course. It took me pretty much all the time I wasn't doing anythign else this week (and a lot of the time I was doing something else, like PERFORMING A SHOW!) I don't want to sound melodramatic- a lot of that time was used just because I'm kind of dumb sometimes, and I'm not very good at programming.

That being said, I apologize twice:
1. First, for being such a goddamn nerd. It was goofy: I was sitting backstage with my friggin' laptop, even during carnival. That's not cool. Even taking into account that it had to be done, it's still not good. I have little tolerance for people who uphold the CS major stereotype, and, I'm afraid that this week I may have done just that.

2. (and more importantly) to the couple of people I snapped at while I was frustrated by this assignment. I realize you meant well by asking "how's the assignment going?" or whatever, and I had no right to give you the sarcastic answers I may have given you. Sorry about that.

But enough computing! It's carnival, and I'm going to go enjoy it for whatever time I have left!

If there is a heaven, and if I make it there,

I will probably not last very long because I will keep going down hills, and eventually plop right back down on Earth.

I realized the other day that my happiest moments alone are almost invariably spent going down hills. Be it skiing or biking. (or even rollercoasting) I will probably like skydiving a ridiculous amount.

How do you convince the parents that skydiving is not dangerous? I mean, I could just go, and not tell them, but that's not the way my family works. Ultimately, I probably wouldn't go without their consent.

Speaking of families, "Thank You For Smoking" is a pretty great movie. It was the first movie I've seen in a while that I wished would keep going when it ended.

And I'm really psyched about the summer. Wish me luck on the PSLC internship; even though I haven't met anyone there or seen their offices, I bet it'd be the most fun. Or the CTAT. I got the RADAR job, but it seems a little depressing, a little too code-monkey. At any rate, I'll be in the 'burgh for sure, so sweet!

A quick jot about what's up with my life, in case you're interested:

In a week: City of Angels. It'll be good. I'll sit backstage for a long time and possibly come out with a bucket on my head.

Soon: Gadget Play. It'll be GREAT. I'll sit backstage for a while and watch Kaitlin play Adam "Atom" Atkinson With British Accent, undoubtedly marvelously; an acting performance combated only by that of Andy as Man. Oh, and the special guest.

Then: Visiting grandparents. My grandpa goes in for a biopsy tomorrow on the Cancer Part II, to see if they can do chemo. Please hope, pray, or do whatever you do for him. He's a great guy, and I don't think it's quite time for him to check out yet.

Afterwards: summer in Pittsburgh! Job leads include:
- Pittsburgh Science of Learning Center: This is the internship I want, I think. I'd work on software to help kids learn maths and stuff. That's what I'm good at, I like to think.
- Cognitive Tutor Assistance Tools (or something): This is the one I want next, I think. Work on software to help people write software to help kids learn maths and stuff. That's what I'm good at, just one level removed, which is still cool.
- Something with Prof. Hebert involving artificial intelligence: I don't know what he has available, but AI sure is cool. I'm in his class now, I'm enjoying it.
- RADAR: An algorithm for a project that's not about Radar at all. It's about scheduling. Still, it offers some kind of algorithmic challenge, which is neat.
At any rate, the summer will hopefully also include camping, skydiving, and a sweet party in Cleveland. At least. If you're going to be around and I don't know yet, let me know.

Next semester: Networks! I'm biting the bullet, taking the last class-I-will-hate, hopefully, getting the 30-hour-a-week bear out of my schedule. Hopefully I'll also be TA'ing. I mean, really, TA'ing is the most important thing to me next semester. But getting Networks out of the way will free up time for:

Later: Studying abroad! I finally found a college in Germany that at least appears to fit my needs. It's the "International University in Germany." I sent them an e-mail, I hope it works out.



Now: Same old gunk. I was ill, I think I'm mostly better. I've been feeling sluggish (what else is new?) but hopefully a return to normal patterns of eating, exercising, and sleeping will help. Got a visiting student tomorrow, should be fun. Oh, and the Seder- that should be cool too.

I feel like I'm disabled.

I need 9 hours of sleep to function properly. And probably an hour dedicated to exercise. That's 10 hours. Even discounting ridiculous people, I'd say the average student here gets 7 hours of sleep. Where are those 3 hours a day going?

Am I happy here? How can I be? I don't even have time to worry about searching for some great HAPPINESS if I'm sludging through my average day in a torpor, unenthusiastic and exhausted, looking forward to the next time I can sleep so I can feel relatively normal again? It's as if I'm swimming underwater: I can breathe every so often, when I spend $1 at Entropy for a cup of coffee, or on the rare day that I manage to sleep in. What's wrong with me? And those of you who deal with less sleep, how do you do it?!